Mitigate Maze & 5 Stages of Grief

I’ve learned the opportunity to mitigate my sentence is the last best hope to explain myself to the judge. I’d better make it count, but I have some baggage. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In my view, it is better to hurry along the five stages of grief at breakneck speed. The investigators, prosecutors and judge are not interested in how I handle stress. Thankfully, I blasted through the stages of grief in record time, and moved quickly to craft a sentencing mitigation strategy. “Will I benefit from my mitigation efforts,” is a question only the judge can answer? I am certain the judge will make a decision even if I don’t participate in the sentencing mitigation process, so advocating for myself is absolutely necessary. I had to wrestle with the five stages of grief first.

The denial stage is powerful and debilitating if ignored. I couldn’t believe I was a target in a criminal investigation. The government offered to help small business owners as the lender of last resort. The conundrum for me was the nagging question, “Why did you shut me down in the first place, I obeyed every pandemic recommendation the CDC advised?” There was only one choice, I applied for funding at the Small Business Administration (SBA). It was a life saver, the SBA funded many of my business entities.

This is how my denial began: Two Secret Service agents ambushed my wife at work posing as home buyers, asked her to call me on her cell phone, and began questioning me about the money I borrowed from the SBA. I was so naïve I thought it was the normal course of business for the SBA to use the Secret Service when following up with its borrowers. It never occurred to me to ask the obvious questions, “Why didn’t you call me directly? Why did you show up at my wife’s work pretending to be a home buyer? Why are you acting hostile about the way I applied for funding through the SBA website?” It is so obvious in retrospect. I had never been in trouble with the law and could not conceive of myself as a criminal mastermind. I specifically recall thinking, “There must be a mistake. I did everything the government asked, I shutdown, I didn’t evict anybody, I self-quarantined, I wore a mask, I social distanced, I avoided crowds, I applied for aid that the government so proudly promoted, I paid my bills, I was rebuilding, why are they coming after me?” How stupid could I be? The level of denial I experienced was staggering.

The anger stage was easy. I don’t have a criminal record, I don’t associate with known criminals, and enjoying a lively criminal drama on television represents the height of my criminal expertise. I recall thinking, “When did owning a small business in America become so dangerous?” I bragged to my wife, “I will fight this no matter the cost!” Of course, this was nonsense, and was clearly a reckless reaction. I needed to set aside my anger and focus on negotiating an acceptable outcome.

The bargaining stage of grief is sneaky. I wasted valuable time playing the “What if game.” I asked, “If only I had applied using a professional adviser instead of self-help, if only I had borrowed a lower amount, if only I had refused to accept the grant money, if only I had stuck to the PPP loans offered by traditional banking institutions?” I had an endless stream of “what if” scenarios dancing around in my head, and none were useful. Wasting time in the bargaining stage is detrimental to a successful outcome.

I stepped into the depression stage quickly after bargaining. I recognized the futility of playing the “what if” game, and settled into depression with ease. I had been drinking more heavily already, but now in the full throws of the depression stage my daily coping mechanism was a six-pack habit of beer or a bottle of wine. The depression stage is brutal, but completely useless to achieving a satisfactory outcome. I moved on to acceptance, but the damage was done. I couldn’t shake the craving for my next drink.

Acceptance was the hardest choice. The SBA had authorized a twelve-month deferment, and then extended the deferment an additional twelve months making my first payment due in 2022. I paid off my first batch of loans nine months into the loan term. I was ahead of schedule and on the road to recovery. Then my bank accounts were frozen. I struggled with the early stages of the plea process, still in denial, when I got the news, “You’re going to do some prison time.” The roller coaster of bargaining and depression ended quickly. I needed to make a decision. Do I fight or settle? I argued for several days with counsel discussing an acceptable path forward, but the conversation always came back to prison. I signed the plea agreement and accepted my fate. The stages of grief took about sixty days.

I recognize the value of competent representation. The legal process did not pause while I dealt with the stages of grief. The grieving process consumes the mind, and a good legal counselor is able to remain objective and negotiate the settlement. I don’t like the outcome but recognize the valuable contribution my attorney made in getting me this far. I was my own worse enemy in many respects.

The benefit, if there is one, is that I’m able to work hard on my sentencing mitigation strategy. I blasted through the stages of grief while my attorney did the work. I may need to revisit grief at a later date, but right now it is mitigation that consumes my mind. It is the last chance I have to advocate for a best outcome scenario. I need an expert to help me.